Has anyone ever shopped in Lidl’s? It’s a crazy place. All the food’s from Northern European countries with no English on the packaging, and so you’ve never bought quite what you thought you had. Olives filled with paste. Canned tuna floating in curry sauce. Toilet roll scented with marzipan. You get the idea.

And the staff aren’t what I’d call ‘top-drawer’ either. Last time I was there, one of them nearly ran me over with an industrial trolley, while another arranged the fruit so that bananas (the UK’s most popular fruit) were hidden entirely by an enormous box of water-melons (not the UK’s most popular fruit).

Every day, underpaid authors of literary fiction are forced by financial hardship to shop at Lidl’s (Not long ago I found Salman Rushdie in one of the freezers, although that might have been for security reasons). Please relieve their plight by buying their books. Preferably mine. I dream one day of earning a big enough advance to shop at Waitrose. Not often, maybe just the once. But just so I can say that I did, even though I’ll probably only be able to afford own-brand.

Let this be so!


2 Responses to “Lidl’s”

  1. Oh, this had me laughing out loud as I wallow in my sickbed. I have entered Lidl once, and left completely puzzled with nothing but tonic water – strangely enough, I got the same result when I went to Waitrose.

  2. What I love about Lidl are their ‘brand names’ for their own brand products, which never have any connection to the nature of the goods. Putinoff vodka. Nixe Tuna Steaks. Emperor of the Golden Pavilion Brake Pads. I suppose the idea is that they sound equally inappropriate in any language.

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